During a lazy portion of yesterday afternoon, I heard a laugh from the other room.
I approached with caution, and my bat (“Louie”), but found that it was only Jordan, co-host of the Don’t Tree. After a few whacks with Louie, I asked Jordan what was so funny.
He told me a long and boring story, as he often does, but it went something like this:
There is a revered brewery in Belgium called Huyghe Brewery, which has been around since dirt was the newest fad (soon to be toppled by “wetdirt,” which we now call “mud”). This brewery is responsible for award winning offerings such as “Delirium Tremens.”
Jordan was on their website, which is of Geocities quality, looking at their offerings. The whole thing is written in moonspeak, so there was nothing but the pictures to entertain him. When he reached the bottom of this page, he found something amazing:
Your eyes, they do not deceive you. There does, in fact, exist a sexiest of all lagers. LA SEXY LAGER.
The story gets better.
After deciding that we simply had to have an item as ridiculous as this, we attempted a google search, seeing if the beer was available for sale in the U.S. Our search was almost fruitless, except for this article, which revealed that England does not appreciate seductive brew. (LINK IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK).
Why would Britain do this? Take a closer look at the labels shown above. Not only do the ladies appear to be from the 1980′s (“Every one of those labels looks like the last-known photo of a model…”), but their bikinis have a very flat, matte appearance… Well, the article reveals the secret of these monochrome skivvies… They are scratch-off. Except instead of concealing the words “FREE TICKET,” they hide breasts.
I feel the need to explain myself at this point. Jordan said it appropriately: “This is the beer that Borat would make.” I’m no more lascivious than the next man, meaning that I have my limits when it comes to weird stuff like this. However, LA SEXY LAGER rests right at the edge of that limit, making it an obsession for me. The beer’s name alone sold me on it, the scratch-off bikinis are just icing on the cake.
Jordan and I then proceeded to call Party Source, a liquor supermart in Newport, KY, known for their wide array of obscure beers and liquors. They patched us through to their beer specialist, who thought we were joking when we asked for “Sexy Lager,” but strangely only laughed when we told him that we weren’t kidding around.
Our supplier at Party Source is currently seeing about getting some imported to the U.S. It might be a lengthy process, but what’s more worth fighting for? Lager? Or Sexy Lager?
YES! AWESOME!!!11~~~